TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT...THIS POST HAS NO HEADING

What follows is sure to be one of the most difficult posts I have ever written for Wrights Lane.

I do not know where I'm about to go with this...

And I do not have a ready ending in mind.

But here goes.

For all of my adult life I have had more than a passing interest in the Holy Bible. My last 30 years in fact have been devoted to some pretty serious study and theological research resulting in several terms as an ordained elder in Presbyterian Church in Canada and three stints of passing myself off as a lay preacher.

I don't mind admitting that I have struggled through the past three decades of my life, often doubting my faith and feeling inadequate and ill-equipped for church ministry. In the beginning I truly thought that I was answering "the call" so many have experienced, but ultimately wrestled with the possibility that I only heard what my Christian ego wanted me to hear?

There have been countless gratifying moments of spiritual inspiration and intervention, times when I saw the light and times when deep down I felt that I was sincerely sharing it with others. There were times too when I was overcome with the glory and wonder of it all. But in spite of that, I always seemed to feel uncomfortable with the very real possibility that any ministerial impact I may have had was minimal. Perhaps, in retrospect, my lack of self-assurance in a personal relationship with God was palpable...and others picked up on it.

Perhaps I was asking too much of God and of myself.

In the past couple of years, sensing the Grim Reaper creeping up on me, I increased my study of the bible because I was desperately looking for answers; not to mention the fact that I needed inspiration from the gospels for my pulpit-fill worship service assignments. And while I have not been actively preaching since the start of the current year, I have found it self-fulfilling to fill the void by passing on some of my biblical discoveries by means of Wrights Lane. Come to think of it, I have been so moved on occasion in recent months, that I have produced the equivalent of four or five sermons(?) a week, much to the disinterest of the majority of my readers I must admit.

It seems, however, that the more I delve into Bible study and the necessary research that follows, including referencing Hebrew translations, the more I have become confused. Perhaps "unsettled" is a better word, simply giving in to inadequacy in fully deciphering the complexity of what I was finding.

I am told that encounters with serious texts can indeed bring confusion and disillusionment for a constant religious neophyte like me. The disciplines demanded of students and the conclusions to which they are invited to arrive at are often very different from original expectations. The resultant tendency in scholarship for me has been to make the Testaments more remote than ever...Not at all what I had expected.

Chalk it up to learning deficiencies or an aging mind (possibly both), but the more I struggled to process and retain what I was learning, the more I became confused and uncomfortable with my limitations in comprehending it. Instead of making certain archaic pages of the Bible more intelligible, scholarship for me seemed to remove them to a more distant and inaccessible world, describable only in barbarous technical terms (eschato-logical, kerygmatic, traditio-historical) whose relevance in the 21st century is difficult to discern.  In the end I was unable to understand much of it to my satisfaction.

I found it not altogether consoling to read an explanation by religious scholar Brian E. Beck in his book Reading the New Testament Today: "What makes it (biblical study) all so much more difficult is that most of those who wish to study a part of the Bible have far more invested in it than other literature. They are likely to regard it as a supreme source of authoritative teaching about belief and behaviour...Hence, while people vary in their ability to make adjustments to their faith, very few can cope with major changes, particularly in later life. The more deeply the faith is held and the more completely life is built upon it, the more difficult it will be to accommodate shifts of perspective in it."

While I have sustained pride in being progressive and flexible in my beliefs, I find myself at a point where I have become bogged down in the complexities and contradictions of religious study, thereby my foundations have been disturbed and the whole edifice of my belief threatened. In good conscience I am now reluctant to write about it any further with required conviction, let alone speak publicly to a congregation looking to me for assurance and confirmation of long-held beliefs. It simply would not be right.

Likewise, I cannot be a pretender in any of my writings. I must have the courage of my convictions in striving for believability and acceptance by my publics or audiences.

The sad acknowledgement in all of this is that for centuries the attempt to learn more about the Bible was constructive and edifying. Readers of commentaries felt they were drawing water from deep wells, preachers discovering in them material for sermons, and ordinary Christians finding reading of the Bible illuminating and devotional life strengthened. Why should the Bible now become a book full of problems and unresolved difficulties, a challenge rather than a support for faith? The work of scholars easily appearing in the guise of a latter-day unbelieving assault upon convictions which have up to now stood the test of time.

Why can I/we not be satisfied today with an attitude toward the Bible which served our predecessors so well for 20 centuries?

God help me believe that it is a misrepresentation to suggest that the results of the last 200 years carried out by scholars in many countries have been only negative and destructive. In many ways our understanding of biblical times, of Jesus himself, and of the meaning of the sacred documents in their original setting and their potential significance for our times have certainly been immeasurably enhanced.

My time (if I ever had it) has passed. I no longer have the physical, mental or spiritual wherewithal to sort it all out and to make any kind of meaningful impact on lives other than my own. Sorry if my self-admitted inadequacies are showing, but that is the reality of it and I feel relief in the admission.

The hopeful news for me is that we can look to dedicated ministers of the word and sacrament with intelligence and youth on their side sufficient to carry us into a new generation of Christian faith. I think in particular about my good reverend friend, Dr. Randy Benson, who literally spent the first third of his life studying and earning degrees in theology, religion, science and philosophy and he's using it now by serving a small four-church co-op ministry in Central Grey Bruce. My hat is off to the dedication of church leaders like Randy whose faith has remained steadfast in less than ideal circumstances and in spite of dwindling church attendance in rural Ontario communities. 

Modern scholarship has brought out the individuality of those who have contributed to its composition, showing them as real human beings, wrestling with the problems of life in the church and the world, striving to hold on to, and to interpret their faith in changing times. It is at least easier to feel an affinity with these men and women, and to learn from them the meaning of Christian faith so many of us seek in today's world.

Anyway, that's the way I see it...This is my story and I'm compelled to stick to it.

It has not been easy to own up to certain limitations and I do it at anticipated personal risk. I may well slip a notch in some people's estimation of me. But I'm okay with where I stand religiously and I no longer feel entitled or compelled to take it beyond that. I stand at ease as a Christian foot soldier, where I belong as a common every day man.

So I guess that would be the unplanned end of my story. It crept up on me!

See you in church sometime folks -- maybe!...Ideally without a face mask.