I am introducing a new periodic feature for this site today: The "Word" According to Rosanne. I may end up paying a heavy price, but I simply cannot resist sharing with readers what I have come to call "Rosanneisms".
My wife Rosanne is a female Bill Crosby (King of comedic malaprop), only she does not intentionally try to be funny with her word twists. She is extremely self expressive, spontaneous and serious about what she says. It's just that the words do not always come out right and even she is at a loss sometimes to know why, i.e. she loves "custody" (custard) tarts.
She keeps me in stitches and I tread a very fine line in offering corrections because she is priceless and I do not want to make her self-conscious, and in the process spoil her.
I should have had the foresight to make a list of some of the hilarious things she has said over the years and it was only yesterday that I finally started to document some of them. Here are a few Rosanneisms in the last 24 hours.
"We never open our moon roof." A reference to the fact that we never open the sun roof on our car. In correcting her I pointed out that "it's a sun roof and that's as different as night and day." Sometimes my responses are pretty good too.
"He's an excellent sneaker." Commenting on a baseball player who is a good base stealer.
"I'd like a mad cow." A request for her favorite drink -- a mudslide.
"I've got a perpendicular problem." A self diagnosis of some stomach discomfort she was experiencing.
"OK, I want the whole trilogy." Her enthusiastic response to my suggestion that I might make her a club sandwich for lunch. "Whole trilogy," I asked? "Yes, you know -- bacon, turkey and cheddar cheese" was the matter-of-fact explanation. It took a moment, but that one actually made sense.
Come to think about it, with trilogy sandwiches, custody tarts and mad cows, it is no wonder that she has a perpendicular problem.
Anyway, stay tuned. There'll be lots more.