I NEVER GOT TO KISS MY LATE WIVES GOODBYBE

Think I'll go somewhere and cry myself to sleep

I just kissed the one I love for the last time
And never have her soft lips then so sweet
She's gone away and won't be back forever

Think I'll go somewhere and cry myself to sleep

I'll go somewhere and cry myself to sleep
Not just because I'm sad but 'cause I'm weak
I can't stand the thought of life alone without her

Think I'll go somewhere and cry myself to sleep

Just before she said goodbye she called me, Darling
And slowly ran her fingers down my cheek
I thought I'd die when she said she still loved me

Think I'll go somewhere and cry myself to sleep

I'll go somewhere and cry...

These are the lyrics to a tear-jerking song that always has a melancholy affect on me, but not for the reasons you may think.

I am twice widowed but, unlike the poor guy in the song, never had the blessing of kissing either one of my wives goodbye for the last time. And that always kind of saddens me. As primary caregiver for extended periods in both cases, I was off doing something else when last breaths were being taken.

With Anne who was in and out of a coma at the time, I left her bedside momentarily in order to get something to eat in the kitchen. "I'm going to get a bite to eat now...I called the girls and they are on their way over," I said. She seemed to roll her eyes in acknowledgement. When I returned 10 minutes later she was gone. Her brave nine-year struggle with cancer mercifully ended several weeks shy of our 40th wedding anniversary. *See One Couple's Journey With Cancer https://dicktheblogster2.blogspot.com/

Funny, but in retrospect I swear that along with the rolling of her eyes, I detected a slight sneer on Anne's face as I momentarily left her that day...As if to say: 'He's going to get something to eat and I'm laying here dying!' I hope I was wrong, but I knew my wife and how she thought sometimes. Incidentally, the girls, daughters Debbie and Cindy, did not make it in time either. They did not have supper and stopped en route to pick coffees to bring with them. 

Nineteen years later, second wife Rosanne had endured multiple health problems over an extended period during our 17 years of marriage and had become a virtual invalid. On this particular fateful day the anxiety of it all was getting the best of me and I left her while napping to release pent up emotions by pounding some nails on a back entrance stoop I was adding to the house. I didn't want to disturb her and slipped away without saying anything. When I came back some time later to check on her, Rosanne was unexpectedly unresponsive. I pray she just went to sleep and never woke up.

I'll never know what those dear girls were thinking when they departed this world. Why wasn't I there to share precious last moments with them? Was I unknowingly guilty of abandonment at such a crucial time? If only I'd known. You can beat yourself up with that kind of thinking, but still you do it. Even now, years later.

Unless you have been there and done that, you really have no idea of how your mind and body reacts to situations of that nature. A stunned emptiness takes over and the best you can manage is to sit quietly with the deceased loved one while collecting thoughts and fleetingly looking for miraculous signs of life -- the heaving of a chest, the blink of an eye, the movement of a hand -- anything. 

Time stands still but eventually you muster up sufficient strength to make those dreaded but ever so necessary telephone calls. Almost by rote you pick up the phone and dial -- 911 for police and ambulance response, then a coroner and ultimately an undertaker. Immediate family members, in my case a sister-in-law and brother-in-law, were left to last.

After all, there is just so much you can manage before collapsing into a heap of jelly-like, uncontrollable flesh and bones.

Hands on the clock continued to tick away carrying me along with them, all the while wondering 'did this really happen?' Pinching myself to see if it had a been just a bad dream.

In a matter of hours you find yourself all alone again listening to the sounds of silence in an empty house that had previously taken on Grand Central Station proportions with uniformed attendants milling around with useless life-saving devices and people asking questions that you wish you did not have to answer. That's when it all catches up with you and a sense of devastating loss kicks in for the first time.

Life will never be the same again.

That is also when you remember...My God, I never got to kiss my wife goodbye! 

Then tears begin to cascade. You let it all hang out. And you 'go somewhere and cry yourself to sleep,' as they say in the words of the song about that lucky guy who got to kiss his wife goodbye one last time.

💔💔Click link below to listen to song 'Think I'll Go Somewhere and Cry Myself To Sleep' (skip the ads)

https://www.youtube.co?v=eOT2lQTfIEQ

m/watch

 Louder than words!

IT TURNS OUT THE ENEMY IS NOT ME, IT IS MY EGO!

From the time we were toddlers, we were taught and trained to know about social norms and expectations. We all have choices to make within those social perimeters. 

For many people, to know and conform to the expectations of society has caused them to blur the lines between what society expects from them and truly being themselves. This social pressure is only exacerbated by the rise of technology and social media platforms in our everyday lives.

Not being happy with yourself is often the first indicator that you are not acting like your true self because people are happiest when they stay true to who they are. The temptation to act contrary to who you are comes from fear-based thinking and possibly a devilish nature that thrives on being contrary. It may also be fear of rejection or exclusion, or the fear of failure. The result is that your emotions take over your reactions, regardless of what you truly believe about yourself, which causes you to stray further and further from the person you truly are.

How often in times of uncertainty have we heard a well-meaning confidant (generally at a loss for more meaningful advice) tell us, "Just be yourself! On more occasions than I care to count I have also gone so far as to give myself that same advice, because I sincerely prefer to reveal my true self at all times.

Then again, life being what it is, there have been those inevitable occasions when something I have said or done has has been misinterpreted or, worse yet, not always met with the favor of others, causing me to justify myself by playing the "I was only being (or expressing) myself" card; "no offense intended."

Letting ego sneak into dialogue kind of puts a person between a rock and a hard place, doesn't it. In particular, we ask for trouble when we lose control of our true selves by letting that dastardly ego find its way into conversations with others. I stress this point because it has been a bone of contention for me in the not too distant past, necessitating a time of withdrawal and personal assessment.

Differentiating between how you come across to others and how you truly are is a major challenge and one that can cause damaging anxiety. How do I know who or what my true self really is? That is the question, and for an answer I really think that we have to look at the analogy of our ego -- as if this part of us was a separate entity.

In so doing, initially I have to admit to countless hours trying to absorb the writings found in the late Allan Watts' The Book on The Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are. Watts explored an unrecognized but mighty taboo -- our tacit conspiracy to ignore who or what we really are. The prevalent sensation of oneself as a separate ego enclosed in a bag of skin is a hallucination which accords neither Western science nor with the experimental philosophy-religions of the East. 

Drawing on the insights of the Vedanta philosophy of Hinduism, Watts formulated his own solution to the urgent problem of personal identity and proposed a method of self-examination that shattered 'the big lie and hallucination' of alienation.

So with that as background and begging your indulgence for a few minutes of your valued time, I am compelled to ask: Would you stand in front of someone while they were delivering a whole heap of unhealthy, insane, abusive, damaging and disgusting versions of you and your life and listen to it?

Through personal experience I have come to realize that if you stand there and argue with an abusive individual, you get damaged in the process. If you do this, you have serious problems with setting boundaries.

We must understand that our ego is every bit as abusive as another damaging individual.

If you have a 'fight with yourself' you're trying to justify yourself to your ego and convince it you aren't this person, you don't have these fears, you don't have doubts and you really are capable. Your ego loves this because it will trick you into thinking that you can win the argument, that you can convince it and resolve the issue, and that you'll receive peace after having this struggle with yourself.

This is so untrue!

Your ego will keep coming back at you again and again, and just like any abusive person who simply won't get it, wants to project fears and doubts, and not find peace within. The argument will continue to resurface and never be healed.

Think about this -- how exhausting is it trying to argue and justify yourself with a person who is continually abusing you? If you don't disconnect and get away from them, you eventually give in and start agreeing with their version of you just to get some peace.

Inevitably if you keep hooking into your ego you'll end up doing the same thing. Eventually you'll be so worn down that you'll accept and agree with the inner dialogue of 'I'm worthless and a failure'.

This is what depression is...Trust me, I know.

Society's concept of 'ego' has often been recognition of arrogant and bombastic behaviour. How many people realise that constructed false self is a cover-up for the painful torturous thoughts and feelings of unworthiness that the world doesn't see?

Be very clear that the ego is also responsible for people who display insipid and power-less behaviour. The ego creates all 'less than' human behaviour. Your ego is your greatest problem in life. There truly is no fight going on outside of you. The only enemy is within.

Ego - the Ultimate Self-saboteur

Our ego is the part of our personality that loves manufacturing 'less than' experiences. Our ego feeds on fear, doubt and pain. The more we attach ourselves to our ego thoughts, the further we move away from our soul truth.

Be very clear -- your ego is not the real you! It is the polar opposite of who you really are. It is not your True Self.

Our 'dark side' is ego. Our 'light side' is True Self. We can only manifest love, happiness and success when we are operating from our True Self. We will always manifest recurring pain from our false self.

To Experience 'Light' We Must Know the 'Dark'

Of course we have to know darkness in order to know the Light, and it is only through conquering the darkness (fear) that we can move into the Light. The entire physical plane consists of polar opposites: good/bad, hot/cold, up/down and so on. We wouldn't know 'good' if we weren't exposed to 'bad'.

When we understand that our ego is a false self, we need to know how to get out of the darkness and stay out as much as possible.

Simply knowing our 'dark side' (false self) exists is enough to grant us comparison and choice. We do not need to live this reality directly in order to choose a loving and happy state. The more you subdue and dissolve your ego, the freer you are to experience a balanced, self-sustaining life.

Your Ego Is Never Satisfied

We know ego wants resolution on its own terms and isn't content to accept the version of higher truth that our True Self embraces so easily. We're given free will. It's our choice as to which version of the truth we connect to, and there are profound differences with these truths.

Your ego always wants to re-hash and replay the past scenarios. This is a very clever trick of the ego because it makes you believe that by rethinking the pain you'll get some answers. Your ego tells you this is a necessary process. Your ego loves to judge situations as 'right' or 'wrong' and takes matters very personally.

However, doesn't our experience of this version of 'the truth' that keeps us stuck in the past, and the continual turmoil it brings to our entire life, keep delivering pain? We know, oh so well, this simply does not work in relation to who we want to be and where we want to go.

Yet our heads continue to analyse life experiences to death, coming up with countless different realities (none of which stick or bring us any peace). And we keep doing it over and over again, cementing our fears, our 'less than' belief systems and subsequent negative DNA programming deeper into our lives.

We don't move on, we don't create new positive experiences on these issues, and even if we temporarily did, it's likely that either consciously or subconsciously we'd sabotage it and end up back at square one once again. Our ego clings to injustice. Perceiving injustice keeps creating injustices in our life, and may keep recreating it endlessly.

Your True Self 'Gets' Ultimate Reality

True Self knows on a heartfelt level that painful experiences produce amazing opportunities for healing and evolution. It understands the concept 'it is what it is', and removes all personalisation and judgement from the experience. True Self knows that breakdowns create breakthroughs, and there's always a gift in the situation.

True Self has no need to replay the incident over and over again. True Self goes forward, resolved, and takes the learning with peace and empowerment into the now. Our True Self embraces resolution and encourages us to make self-loving shifts. These adjustments (rather than actions of 'injustice') work with regard to who we truly are, and what we truly want to experience.

I have learned the hard way that I/We/You have a choice:

We can choose to embrace the True-Self version, or we can attach to the obsessive painful version that our ego tricks us into re-creating.

These are the outcomes of our decision: 1) We evolve and heal, clear the issues and start enjoying a liberated reality of this previous less-than belief system, or 2) We cement ourselves further into the pain and attract more of the same pain over and over again.

So what are we going to decide?

Are we going to rise up into empowerment, or are we going to remain a victim? The decision is ours and no one else's.

After all is said and done, it is really easy to understand what your ego is and what True Self is. Ego supplies us with feelings of constriction, pain, obsession, fear and severe dis-empowerment...Your energy levels drop and you feel tired, anxious and overwhelmed. Because your thoughts are focused on past pain or future fears you are significantly disabled in the moment. You feel needy and anxious.

Your true self (your natural state of being) supplies you with feelings of calm, peace, happiness and clarity. Because you are in the Now, you are functional, creative and expansive.

That is how you recognize your true self when you encounter It. You know the real you because IT IS YOU and you feel good about finding It -- without looking any further.

Don't make It any more than It is!

Have I made Myself clear?

Comedian, film, and television star Groucho Marx, famous for his quick wit, once said, "I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal." 

A California realtor once persuaded the famed comedian to inspect a palatial ocean-front estate that was for sale. The realtor drove Groucho up the mile-long, beautifully landscaped approach. He escorted him through the house, the stables, the gardens, the kennels, demonstrating the many beautiful features of the dream palace by the sea. Groucho patiently plodded after him, nodding sternly from time to time, apparently much impressed. Finally, he was ushered out on the flagstone terrace as the salesman waved proudly toward the broad expanse of the Pacific. "Now, what do you think?" the realtor challenged. 

"I don't care for it," replied Groucho. "Take away the ocean, and now what have you got?"

Groucho used a similar line in a priceless interview with William Buckley. Himself a cigar smoker, Groucho referred to an acquaintance who was asked why he didn't quit smoking cigars. "And replace it with what?" was the guy's instant reply.

The story becomes a parable on the actual value of Christian discipleship. We may know the Bible from cover to cover. We may be well-informed in theology. We may know all the sacred hymns by heart. We may be regular Churchgoers. 

We may be generous with our time in Church activities and generous with our weekly offerings. We may even be able to speak in tongues. But take away love, and what do we replace it with? In the Apostle Paul's words, "if we do not have love, we are nothing." 

To be effective members of this Christian Community – to be effective disciples and, effective witnesses to the reality of the Divine Presence in the world, we are therefore well advised to do everything in the Spirit of Love, as difficult as it may be at times.

In the reality of the world as we experience it today, that may well mean going it alone with a personal mission of outreach, or going out of our way to help others in need as they come to our attention; something our small churches as an aging body no longer have the wherewithal to do, realistically speaking.

Mind you, it is not necessary to go looking for needy causes. Rest assured they will find you and it does not always require a monetary expenditure from already taxed and limited resources. More often than not all that is needed is a ready ear and a caring human connection.

On the subject of reality, there's a simplistic little test circulating the internet that promises to tell you if you are a realist or an idealist. I took the test, which seemed to ask questions that were not overly personal and probing. Twenty-nine questions later, I was not altogether surprised by the answer...I am an idealist! Although, quite honestly, I'd rather think of myself as a realist...Go figure!

Test results told me: "You are someone that sees the world in an ideal way and not in the way that it actually is. You are a bit impractical and someone that has probably been a bit naive throughout your life. You think everything is perfect, and if it isn't, then you are working to make it that way."

I do not think that everything needs to be perfect, I just accept imperfections as a reality in life and am prepared to overlook them if there is no possibility of me enacting change.

The major disadvantage of being an idealist is that the world and people often don’t measure up. We come up with these grand plans but people or circumstances fail us. My advice is to rely on yourself! As we grow older we idealists figure out what is and isn’t within our control, so we are less often disappointed! And I’m afraid we only figure this out after years of being disappointed!

Because idealists always want to see the best in people when an idealist falls in love they too often see perfection and not who that person really is. Idealists ‘idealise’ others. In the first stages of a relationship, idealists are wildly romantic but too often are not so good with the day-to-day demands of long-term relationships.

Have you heard of the term practical idealism? It was coined by the American philosopher/ psychologist John Dewey in 1917 and later used by Mahatma Gandhi. The idea is that you are obliged to follow and put into practice ideas of virtue or good but you are also obliged to make compromises to realise your high ideals. 

It is better to make some compromises rather than abandon your grand plan (I have had to work hard to remind myself of that line of thinking, often giving up with the least provocation). Dewey wrote, “We pride ourselves upon a practical idealism, a lively and easily moved faith in possibilities as yet unrealized, in willingness to make sacrifice for their realization.” 

In other words, do what you have to in order to  realise your dream. That does not mean behaving unethically, but it may mean that your grand, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious project is only a grand, super project on completion! It might only be an 8 out of 10, not a perfect 10 out of 10!

Personally, I have embraced realistic idealism or practical idealism. This is now my mantra, God, give me the grace to accept with serenity the things that I cannot change, courage to change the things that should be changed and the wisdom to tell the difference between the two!

Idealism is the belief that you should stick to your principles, even if your principles have a negative impact on your life. The idealist is prepared to suffer in order to do what he or she thinks is right. Meanwhile, realists reject idealism. If the ideal gets in the way, the realistic will review the situation and abandon the ideal for a very basic, easy solution. However the practical idealist is prepared to compromise but will still strive to get as close to ideal as possible.

For a long time, we have looked at realism and idealism as opposites yet it makes so much sense to combine the two and be  a ‘realistic idealist'. Look at what you could achieve if you blend these skills sets. 

Realistic idealism means that you want to make the world a better place, and you are prepared to do the ground work to achieve that end.

Sadly, in spite of giving in to compromise, I can't say that I've had much impact on the world so far. That much is my reality...And like so many other things, I accept it!

I never pretended to be perfect! And there are many who will confirm that contention.

👨 ATTENTION FACEBOOK VISITORS: IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR MY "SLOWING DOWN AND TAKING A REST IS NOT ALL BAD" POST, JUST SCROLL DOWN ONE ITEM.

ROUTINE MEDIA COVERAGE OF CHRISTIAN CHURCHES DESECRATION IS DEPLOREABLE, SAYS COLUMNIST

A former Polish Roman Catholic church near Redberry Lake, about 90 kilometres northwest of Saskatoon, burned to the ground on July 8, 2021.

I do not always buy in to the hard-line position taken on political matters by veteran columnist and broadcaster Rex Murphy, but I'm completely on side with the stance he has taken on the unthinkable burning and other acts of vandalism done to churches in the ongoing saga of residential schools for Aboriginal children run by religious bodies in Canada during the past century. His latest  efforts in this vein, published in the National Post, are well worth reproducing on Wrights Lane, especially for those who may have missed it.

“Hell, they’re only churches. What’s the big deal?” 

Rex Murphy

That seems to be all too common a response to the highly alarming arson and vandalism attacks on Christian churches in Canada.

How many churches, Catholic, Protestant or other, on Indigenous lands or off, have been vandalized, severely damaged or burnt straight to the ground in recent weeks? By my count, it’s been more than 20. In a strong column in the Post last week, Melissa Mbarki of the Macdonald-Laurier Institute wrote that 10 churches were vandalized in Alberta on Canada Day alone. That figure should be — is — astonishing.

Some churches have been turned to pure ash. There have been failed attempts to burn others. The vandals are very sure of themselves. Two prize nits may be seen on video throwing paint on St. Jude’s Church in East Vancouver. There is no telling which church will be the next target.

Saskatchewan Premier Scott Moe took to Twitter to record his grief over the destruction of a Polish Roman Catholic church near Redberry Lake, “a church in my home constituency that has been maintained by generations of volunteers.” His tweet echoed statements from Aboriginal people whose churches had been burnt — that these places of worship had served their parishioners for a long time, some serving as a gathering place for generations.

There is very little consideration, and this is a key point not receiving the emphasis it should, that the destruction has been a great blow to those who attended these churches. The Post’s Terry Glavin and the Globe’s Robyn Urback have been strong exceptions, with columns bringing a focus precisely to this consideration.

Many hundreds of Christian believers have seen their houses of worship destroyed, thereby depriving them of the pastoral and sacramental care so central to their lives. They have seen their faith insulted by acts of violence.

There is one question, among many, that stands out in this story. People who are not religious perhaps don’t understand how unsettling all of this is, how deeply it cuts. Well it does. “When a church like this is ripped away from us, it’s horrible,” said a woman who lives close to the destroyed church near Redberry Lake.

Why, following this stream of attacks, is almost everyone so calm? I’m not putting that question to the “burn them all down” crowd, who are apparently living on their own strange island or housed with the BC Civil Liberties Association. One cannot expect a well of sympathy from the bunch that wants to see more burnings.

Yet it is surely a question for every other Canadian. Religion is, for those who hold a faith, one of their deepest values. Perhaps even, for some, the deepest. So why is a whole series of attacks on Christian churches receiving only routine coverage?

Here’s a question: If 10 or 20 holy places from any other major religion had been attacked, and in a matter of just a few weeks, what would have been the reaction from governments and the news media?

There would have been a storm on all fronts. Reassurances from the politicians. Visits to the various sites. Relentless questions from the media. Sermons from all altars. Grave condemnations of these horrible “hate crimes.” You would be hearing the familiar line “this is not who we are” from sad-eyed leaders. But in the past few weeks, there has been very little of any of this. Strange.

Surveying church damage in Nova Scotia.

On this point I am very much in line with Alan Fryer, respected retired journalist, who in responses posted this: “The other difference is that if they were mosques, synagogues or gurudwaras the media would, and rightly so, be deploying every available resource to the story — keeping it alive and keeping the pressure on the cops and the politicians.” Yes. Rightly so.

Then, let’s have some equity here. We should be able to expect the same sensitivity, alert response, and urgent investigation to the burning of a Catholic or a Protestant church as would follow the burning of a temple, a synagogue or mosque. An attack on a person’s faith or on the symbol of a person’s faith is the same across all lines and all beliefs.

What’s been done so far? How much do we know of, I presume, the various investigations? Considering the scale and frequency of these events, and the highly sensitive atmosphere of these times, is there some task force co-ordinating the investigations? Where are the condemnations by our political leaders? What we have heard so far has either been long-in-coming, or — to be kind — tepid upon arrival.

I will note one outstanding matter. Those who some would expect (wrongly) to most easily let these attacks pass, Indigenous people, have been among the strongest and most persuasive in their condemnation and disavowal. There’s a combination of charity and resilience in some of their statements that is as rare as it is commendable.

That, too, holds a lesson. Those carrying the sharpest burdens sometimes have the widest hearts.

SLOWING DOWN AND TAKING A REST IS NOT ALL BAD

In recent weeks I have been dictated by the impulse to withdraw -- back off, isolate -- from exposure to situations in life that had increasingly been causing me anxiety and distress. Call is self-preservation, if you will; or an escape from a world in which I was beginning to feel uncomfortable and (worst of all) depressingly inadequate. To some, even offensive.

Life is like that sometimes, increasingly so the older you get and the more you are inclined to be vulnerable to involuntarily invasion of sensitivities and resultant self-imposed inhibitions. Then there is an accompanying, almost unavoidable irritability factor that sets in at a certain stage of life, but that's another story.
 
I was prompted to write this post after reading an extremely relative item that found its way into my idea box a few hours ago.

It seems that during a large university commencement exercise, the School's President rose to address the graduates and confer their degrees. He began by explaining the meaning of the traditional Latin phrases used to rank their performance.

For example, if a student graduates "Cum Laude," it means "With Honors."

Next, he explained that Magna Cum Laude translates "With High Honors." And if a student graduates Summa Cum Laude, it designates “With Supreme Honors.”

However, he continued, there was a new honor he planned to use in the future and it was to be called "Magna Cum Pellidentium", which means "By the skin of your teeth". 

Living as we do, in this complex world of ours, we sometimes feel that in so many ways, we're holding on by the skin of our teeth. Or, in the words of Lewis Carroll (best known as the author of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland), "The hurrier I go, the behinder I get." And we feel the need to slow down, back off for a while, or simply get away from it all. We feel the need for some quiet time in which to think, maybe even to pray.

I am also reminded of the biblical story where, having been sent out by Jesus in pairs, the Apostles returned and report to Him all that they had done and taught. And Jesus said to them, "Come away by yourselves to a lonely place, and rest awhile." Mark further explains that the Apostles had been so busy that "they had no leisure, even to eat" (Mk. 6:31). In Jesus' opinion, they needed a little time to rest and to reflect. And so, "they went away" by boat, "to a lonely place by themselves".

When aspects of our lives become too full and too fast, we have the same need to back off and relax. We need a little solitude in which to think things over...a time to soul-search, rationalize and rejuvenate -- or in my case to heal from perceived debilities that can raise havoc with an overall sense of well-being.

To the wonderment of others, more than once in life I have taken a step back in order to eventually move two steps forward. Not always a wise decision, but it has worked for me as a means of maintaining sanity, if nothing else.

As I emerge from another self-imposed lonely place nearing graduation from this lifetime course called "school of hard knocks" I am holding out hope that I can curtail sufficient personal foibles to at least earn Magna Cum Pellidentium consideration by the Head Master.

That'll keep me going for a while anyway.

Expectations aside, God knows I'm not perfect. None of us are!

We just take our chances.

POST NOTE: A reclusive lifestyle has increasing appeal for me...If only I could get over this insistent impulse to express myself by means of the written word.