THE PERCEPTION OF NOT BEING UNDERSTOOD CAN BE SELF-DAMAGING

One of the benefits of having a blog site like Wrights Lane is that I can work my way through what I perceive to be issues in my life and pass it off as interesting(?) reading. If someone can relate to my often self-deprecating subject matter, self-inquiry and discovery, then I see that as a bonus.

As a natural-born do-it-yourselfer, self analysis also takes the place of having to visit a psychiatrist.

I have never believed in conforming just for the sake of fitting into a set of circumstances, choosing instead to march to the beat of my own drummer as much as possible...and that alone may be a part of a bigger problem. It has been my experience that the average person is all-too-ready to accept like-minded thinking and personalities and does not readily go out of his/her way to try to understand differences of any kind.

All of which leads me to ask: "Do you often feel alone and misunderstood by other people -- readily dismissed?"

I kind of gain comfort in understanding that I am not the only one who feels this way. Come to find out, there are many people out there who feel alone and misunderstood and can even be underestimated by others for a number of reasons.

I may be an exception to the rule but paradoxically, such individuals are said to be usually more talented, intelligent and deep than those who reject them. It’s all because human beings tend to be cautious and judgmental towards those of us who live, think, behave or express ourselves just a little differently. So if you don’t share the interests and beliefs of the majority, you will probably face misunderstanding and rejection at some point in your life. For me, the feeling of not being understood has plagued me for most of my life and I have struggled to come to grips with it, often to my detriment.

Not feeling that others really know us can leave us feeling hopelessly estranged from the rest of humanity. It may well be that feeling understood is a prerequisite for our other desires to be satisfyingly fulfilled.

Without experiencing that others know us, or are able to, we’re left feeling alone — at times, despairingly so. It’s a bleak place to be and can lead to feelings of emptiness and despondency. Enduring feelings of acute isolation from others can make our existence feel like a sham. Loneliness has frequently been perceived as virtually synonymous with depression, which is why being afflicted with an oppressive sense of alienation can go hand in hand with dangerous thoughts and actions.

Let's consider some reasons why feeling that others are able to grasp the meaning of your words and actions is critical to achieving an enduring sense of security and well-being:

1. You are known: When you experience being misunderstood, the connection between you and the other person is (however temporarily) severed. You’re by yourself, “dis-joined,” cut off. I list this advantage of others “getting” you as the starting point, because I believe all the other benefits of being understood stem from this.

2. Your identity is confirmed: Having others see you as you want and need to be seen verifies your sense of self. It assures you that who you believe you are is understandable and justified. To feel truly “gotten” is to feel deeply, rewardingly validated.

3. You exist: Because we’re all social creatures, if you’re to feel “real,” a certain amount of external corroboration is necessary. As Michael Schreiner duly notes in The Need To Be Understood: “The unconscious fear that seems to always be lurking in the background is that if we aren’t understood it will be as if we never existed.” (A scary thought, indeed!)

4. You are connected: Feeling understood connects you to others, allowing you to feel welcome. Conversely, feeling all alone and detached from those around you can, emotionally, be extremely painful — as many a marginalized or shunned child would sadly attest.

5. You belong: We all need to feel that we’re related to a community of (at least relatively) like-minded individuals. Such an expanded perception of self helps to make our lives feel more meaningful, more purposeful — and it contributes to a sense of personal value as well. I have first-hand experience at, for various reasons, being disassociated from communities in the broad sense and down deep it truly does eat away at you. An activist, innovator, doer by nature I have found myself eventually withdrawing when I sense that I have become an unappreciated, disruptive force.

6. You’re accepted: Feeling understood is in many ways tantamount to feeling socially recognized, or “endorsed.” Even non verbally, another’s physical or facial reactions to something you’ve shared can be most comforting. Various acts of empathy (as long as they’re accurate) also connote acknowledgement, understanding, and support. And however introverted you might be, gregarious species that we are, no one enjoys feeling alienated from others or “all alone.”

7. You’re empowered: If you feel understood, you’re not groping your way in the darkness. With others’ respectful willingness to recognize you and your intentions, you’re empowered to attempt, and accomplish, things that you otherwise might not be driven to do. Things tend to matter more to us when we have a sense that others care about them, too.

Some may also judge us for being too quiet, unfriendly or aloof; others may believe that you are a weirdo because you are passionate about things they cannot understand. It’s not uncommon when even our close ones, such as parents or partners, seem to misinterpret what we are all about and underestimate our passions. No need to say that this can be much more painful than the lack of understanding from people you are not so close to.

Here's another one to try on for size -- the tendancy for indiviuals to restrict the difference or non-comformity in you to better suit their interests i.e. We'll accept you if only you adhere to sensorship and abide by our rules.

So, what can you and I do when we feel alone and misunderstood?

Sometimes, the best way to stop worrying about being misunderstood is to accept it as a reality you cannot change. You need to realize that other people have a different perspective on what’s right or wrong, good or bad, interesting or boring. Unfortunately, as I say, a lot of people don’t even try to actually understand an alternative thought or opinion –- they are too self-absorbed and quick to judge because it’s much easier that way.

So when attempts to explain myself frustratingly fall on deaf ears, instead of holding grudges and being mad at the world (been there and done that), I try to accept it as a fact and move on. Remember the quote by James Blanchard Cisneros: "Once you awaken, you will have no interest in judging those who sleep." Quite honestly, I continually struggle with this one.

I think that it is important to connect with the right people instead of trying to become more likable to the wrong ones i.e people you've never met or who, in the end do not mean a thing to you, or you to them. It’s pointless to try to connect with people who cannot recognize the depth of your mind and personality in the first place. You will inevitably face misunderstanding and, as a result, will feel alone and disappointed. My weakness is that I die a thousand deaths when people downright do not understand me and I am helpless in trying to do anything about it. I really do work hard to get over that and to understand that you can't win 'em all.

Following passions no matter what others think, is equally as important too. The only thing that truly matters is to find purpose in life and to build a lifestyle around it.

I know that it’s much easier said than done, but as soon as you find yourself and your path in life, you will realize that people’s opinion is the last thing that should bother you. Basically, it’s the need to be likable and socially acceptable that makes many of us unhappy (and especially those of us who are different in some ways from the rest).

Finally, it is well to remember that it’s okay to feel alone and detached from the world and people from time to time. Individuals with a deep personality are particularly prone to these feelings because modern society is driven by ignorance and superficiality. It behooves us, however, to do everything in our power to get over moods of self-pity and detachment as quickly as possible so that we can get on with the job of realizing our uniqueness.

Meantime, it's always a good idea to take an occasional step back and openmindedly evaluate how others may be perceiving us. It's important to know how you're coming across because ultimately intentions mean very little when it comes to social interactions. Communication isn't about what you intend to say so much as how you're heard. 

We may not necessarily be understood some of the time, but that doesn't need to stop us from being understanding all of the time.