DO YOURSELF A FAVOR, DON'T BE A PRETENDER: A LOOK AT THE COMPLEXITIES OF MEETING EXPECTATIONS OF YOURSELF...AND OTHERS

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.~ Oscar Wilde

In a world where we are told that we can be anything we want to be, we cannot be just anyone that tickles our fancy. You can be a writer, an artist or an astronaut but you have no choice but to be anything other than yourself while doing it. 

Maybe I should say that this is the only wise choice. You cannot pretend to be someone or something that you are not, plenty of people try but they ultimately fail. If you do succeed, you certainly won’t be happy in the pretend world you have adopted.

There is no denying that there are people making their way through life by pretending. Maybe it is easier to convince ourselves that we feel good about something or someone rather than admit that down deep we do not. Contentment does not require action so by convincing ourselves that we are happy even when we are not, we may be able to avoid making those difficult decisions. Pretending everything is fine means not having to contend with all the fears and the potential of disapproval from loved ones if we leave it behind. Pretending is costly because we may be giving away our peace of mind and happiness.

Many of us chose to compromise, afraid that we would otherwise be left alone, isolated and helpless. We may have learned to cover ourselves well with the veil of pretence. As adults, we may have a dozen masks and behind every one lies a deep-rooted fear: the fear to express ourselves and reveal to others who we truly are. When we blend in and try to be what we think others want, our life does not feel very satisfactory because, well, it’s not our life. It’s based on a fake version of us.

Do we really have to ask ourselves whether we’re happy? The truth is, if we have to ask the question, something inside of us already knows the answer. When we’re genuinely happy, we know. When we are not, we know that, too. 

Exposing our true selves, fully embracing our deepest desires, and facing our fears requires a tremendous amount of courage. Many of us have been trying to please others for such a long time, that we may have forgotten who we are and what is truly important to us. We have forgotten how to express ourselves, to be spontaneous and to recognise what we truly enjoy doing.

In thinking about your own life: Are your relationships genuine? Do you feel confident? Do you feel secure? Are you relaxed? For a significant amount of people, the answer to all these questions is ‘no.” We may pretend because deep down we feel empty and lonely. We pretend because we don’t feel adequate as we are. If even you don’t appreciate yourself, how can you expect others to appreciate you? When we pretend, our relationships become shallow and empty.

There cannot be any sincere communication in relationships built around pretending. The pretender begins by conjuring up the desired feelings or style in an attempt to assuage insecurities. It is common to talk about how we sometimes manipulate others, but the person one most often manipulates is, guess who? You!

The trap that the pretender falls into is that they try too hard to control their experience. Feelings and even identities are forced, instead of letting things happen in their own way. Intimacy is lost.

To my mind, the only way to really connect with others on a meaningful level is to let them see who we are and to share our experience and what makes us tick. Not everyone will like it and that is okay. It really is.

We increase our self worth not by being what others want us to be, but by being true to ourselves.

And if, in the end, someone does not like or appreciate the true you...Well too bad! They're the real loser because they miss out on the potential of knowing a good person.

Personality clashes are a fact of life. You'll never win 'em all, but you'll like yourself a lot more if you stand your ground by being true to yourself!

Now, having said all of that...are you ready for this?

A creature of limitations and mediocrity, I know whereof I speak on this rather complex subject. You see, in order to survive and function in the society we all live in, for much of my life I have had to resort to imagery (some may call it pretending, or several other applicable terms) in order to reach certain goals.

With imagery, you visualize that you have already achieved a certain goal and the steps you took to actually get there. With that image clearly fixed in your mind you then proceed to make it a reality. 

For me, very little has come naturally. I have learned from mistakes made while endeavoring to make things happen. Call it imagery, pretending or fooling myself as a means to an end; I have had to call on creativity in order to make any semblance of a mark in the world which has always been my motivation, as lofty as it may seem.

So, to be clear: think, pretend and visualize that you have what you want, and you will eventually get it. But be mindful of what you think and speak because you subconsciously and spiritually can make it come true in the physical world. 

The law of attraction fell out of favor a few years ago, but the idea started trending again recently under a new word: "manifesting." Namely, that you can manifest things to happen if you focus your mind on it.

All of which leaves one long question. Is there a difference between pretending to be something or someone you are not in order to satisfy expectations of others, and striving to pretend to be something you are not yet in order to achieve goals in life? I think that there is a difference.

We all walk a very fine line. Some of us more than others.

I do not know where I'd be today if it was not for my imagination -- call it pretending, imagery, visualization or manifestation -- and the price I have paid for all of the above!