WHEN REGRET FOR NOT LOVING ENOUGH IS NOT ENOUGH

The purpose of this post is two-fold:

1) To hopefully rid myself of a nagging, heart-wrenching regret and

2) To share my emotions in the hope others can learn from my experience.

In the process I have to admit to a seeing problem due to the fact that my eyes keep welling up and the words on my computer monitor are annoyingly blurred. I also struggle to avoid succumbing to an ache in my chest that comes and goes in intensity, as if timed to the surging beats of my heart. 

It all has to do with sadness and regret that, try as I may otherwise, refuses to completely go away and tends to overwhelm me when I am most vulnerable.

You see, in spite of an enduring craving to love and to be loved, I have major reservations over not having loved enough in my life. Being twice widowed, I find myself enduring a double-whammy dose of guilt and regret in this regard. 

I think about the times that I failed to spontaneously demonstrate my love due to circumstances, or just because...

I think of all the times I could have expressed love, instead of taking it for granted....Occasions when even a simple hug or embrace would have been sufficient.

I think of all the times when I could have been more sensitive, sympathetic and understanding.

I think of all the times I lashed out and said hurtful things I really did not mean.

I think about all the things that I cannot change nor take back.

Did my loved ones leave this world not knowing how much I really loved them? Death has a way of coming unexpectedly and cheating you out of an opportunity to say goodbye.

Worst of all, I think about lost love and the fact that at my advanced age I will never have it again. Certainly, in my experience, an empty and hopeless feeling that I try very hard to suppress.

They tell me that regretting things you said and did while your loved one was alive is normal. You are not alone, you are not a bad person, and you don’t need to hate yourself. No matter what you did or said, you CAN find forgiveness, healing, and peace. But — and this isn’t the fun part — you have to go through the painful grieving process. There is no escaping it! And you may never completely overcome being haunted by it.

“To go through grief requires incredible reserves of patience,” writes Bob Deits in Life after Loss: A Practical Guide to Renewing Your Life after Experiencing Major Loss. “At some point along the way, you will feel terribly sad, lonely, lost, angry — or all of these. To get in touch with such unpleasant feelings, you have to be convinced there is absolutely no other way out of your grief than straight through the middle of it. You must have a strong sense of purpose and direction.”

So what I am urging friends who are fortunate enough to still have significant others in their lives, is to learn from my experience. Love unconditionally, frequently and for all you're worth. Make the best of your time together because it can be over in a flash.

It can only take a minute, if you know what I mean. But love while you still can and in the manner that feels best for you. Leave nothing undone or unsaid, In the end, you'll be glad that you did!

Trust me! 

There's a 50 percent chance that you will end up like me -- feeling that I could have done better and not being able to do anything about it now. 

I always felt that I was giving life my all, but in retrospect I did not. And that's a sad admission.