when she was on her sickbed and mercifully near the end of her life, I noticed that my wife Anne had not cried in a very long time, as much as it would have been justified and expected. Over the course of her brave nine-year struggle with cancer we had both shed rivers of tears, together and separately. That sort of thing is only natural, as those who have been there and experienced that can attest.
My curiosity got the best of me and during a quiet time one day, I put it as tactfully as possible: "Anne, it is commendable how you have resisted crying lately when you had every reason to do so...How is that?"
Not hesitating, she replied with palpable resolve: "That's because if I ever started crying I would never be able to stop!" So typically Anne. When she made up her mind...
That was 23 years ago. I'll never forget those words.
All of which leads me to this past weekend when for some reason events and thoughts of the day impacted me emotionally -- music I listened to, virtually everything I read, a wandering mind, reflections of the good and bad from a number of lifetimes ago, lost loves, loneliness, happy times and sad times, failures and successes. It was just one of those periods, I suspect, when things and events of the past simply catch up with you when you are at a vulnerable and advanced stage of life and everything is magnified.
The funny part was that, generally, it was all good. I have learned the value of rationalization and to always count my blessings. But I still felt an overwhelming impulse to cry, in the late hours of Sunday in particular. Tears welled in my eyes, there was a hard-to-swallow lump in my throat and a persistent ache in my chest. I continually struggled to keep myself together, several times rejecting an inner voice that told me to "let it go, bawl your eyes out and you will feel better."
Perhaps.
Maybe I'll succumb to those pent up emotions another time, but for now I'm listening to those words of Anne so indelibly etched on my heart.
"If I ever started crying I would never be able to stop!"
2 comments:
I wish I could just give you a hug Richard. Valentine's Day can be so difficult for some people in stirring up emotions. And if I remember correctly, I read in one of your posts a few months ago that both of your birthdays are just around the corner so you are bound to be emotional. Being that your birthdays are one day apart I bet the two of you had some wonderful celebrations! Maybe you could tell us about that sometime? Beautiful memories create "happy tears" and they are much more cleansing than sad tears. xo
THANKS for the meaningful response Jo...I can always count on you! For me, many times happiness and sadness are synonymous. ~~ Dick (the other Richard)
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