PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS PERSONALLY, BUT TRY AS I MAY, PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN MY UNDOING

"I looked in the mirror and the enemy was me."

Self admission time.

It seems I'm ridding myself of a lot of inhibitions lately and it is not an altogether unpleasant undertaking because it involves honest, bitter-sweet assessment.

Now I ask you, what do you do with a guy who has an empathy for fellow men/women and relishes closeness, approval and acceptance but in the end always falls short of those personal relationship expectations? There is a sense that prodding, appeasing, conjoling, reasoning -- even teasing -- have customarily been met with with a degree of skepticism and misunderstanding by other parties so inflicted.

I've never quite come up with an adequate answer the question of winning people over and, if you have not already arrived at an observation, it has left me with sensitivity and an inferiority complex, for lack of a better way of expressing it.

Sixty-five years ago I began my working career in the men's clothing business and found out quickly that I was the world's worst salesman. I forced myself out of shyness to approach customers and when I actually sold something I worried about it for fear that the goods would not stand up or when the customer got home they would find that they did not like the product after all but felt compelled to keep it. Thereafter, rather foolishly, I was always reluctant to meet  that person socially, or to see them on the street, out of concern for what they were thinking about me or the item I sold them. So, right off the bat I was perhaps needlessly over-sensitive to other people.

A subsequent transition to newspaper work was like a breath of fresh air. I developed pride in my reporting abilities and in authorship generally. I sold nothing, circulation and advertising falling within the domain of others who were cut out for the job. My sole responsibility was to gather and disseminate the news responsibly and accurately. Slowly but surely, I gained confidence and advanced up the newspaper chain of command rather rapidly -- general assignment reporter, sports editor, news editor, city editor and finally managing editor. Then again the old people bugaboo set in.

Out of necessity I found myself being the nursemaid for a dozen or so upwardly mobile reporters and sub editors, all with their own egos and narcissistic tendencies and no doubt thinking they could do my job a lot better than me. Characteristically, office politics reared its ugly head and in the end I was not tough enough to withstand the pressure thrust on me by newsroom kindred personalities. As a last resort, I reluctantly walked away permanently from the newsroom and the media business because I was not equipped to be an effective people manager and it came close to ruining my health. Still, I miss the news environment to this day. If only I had the wherewithall to stay the course...

Fortunately, I was able to apply acquired newspaper skills to public affairs and media relations work in the keep an eye on your back business corporate world for the balance of my career, but it was still all about people. There was no escaping it and I soldierly persisted until my wife's failing health required a premature retirement in order to facilitate full-time care giving on the home front.

Things did not change much in retirement either when eventually I answered a call to lay ministry where I applied myself totally to the messages I delivered from church pulpits. Still I studied the faces in the pews and, being perceptive, knew full well that I was being received with a degree hesitancy and mixed emotions, dare I suggest occasionally putting the odd few to sleep with my methodically slow and hesitant manner of speaking. Always falling short of expectations and wishing it otherwise.

When actively involved in ministry and outreach, I was conscious of meeting individual needs and forever struggled with the feeling that I was imposing or forcing myself in areas that I was not necessarily wanted or welcome. Still do, for that matter. After all, who am I, other than an unordained pretender to the practice of being holier than thou?

So, where does all this leave me -- a self-professed public relations practitioner who faces obstacles in practicing and difficulty in relating -- to people?

The problems we all face with people

Granted, all our lives are filled with challenges. All of us struggle with personal problems such as stress, anxiety, depression, self-doubt, addiction, and worries about our health, finances, and future. Our relationships with our partners, children, and other family members are often riddled with conflict, and our relationships with our friends, neighbors, bosses, and co-workers are challenging as well. Society heaps on additional concerns in the form of crime, violence, economic problems, prejudice, political discord, terrorism, and environmental issues.

All of these problems are complex, and their solutions elusive. Yet they share a common link. For the most part, they are all caused by human beings. Most of the problems that we face — within ourselves, in our relationships with other people, and in society — are caused by people. Granted, a few problems don’t require human collusion (tornadoes and earthquakes come to mind), but most do.

Human behavior is by far the single largest cause of the difficulties that each of us experience in life. Most problems are people related, and the people who cause our problems are quite often us.

Therein lies a basic paradox about human nature. On one hand, human beings have used their intelligence, creativity, and ability to work together in groups to improve life dramatically through science, technology, government, philosophy, education, health care, art, and other features of human civilization. But, on the other hand, human beings also behave in highly maladaptive ways that create a slew of social, relational, and personal problems both for themselves and for others.

So, what is wrong with we the people?

Philosophers, psychologists, writers, theologians, and others have wrestled with this question for centuries. The theme that runs through this post is that the core of many of these problems is the pervasive human tendency to be excessively self-focused.

Naturally, we all focus mostly on ourselves and our lives, and we view the world mostly from our own perspective. But people are generally more preoccupied with themselves than they need to be. And their excessive self-centeredness, egocentrism, and selfishness underlie many, perhaps most, of our problems.

Prejudice and discrimination too are fundamentally self-centered reactions, as are greed, deceit, and treating other people unfairly. Many of the conflicts in our personal lives arise from our egocentric conviction that other people should do what we want them to or from their egocentric conviction that we should do what they want.

Likewise, many of our disageements with other people reach an impasse because everybody is certain that they are right. And, this unfounded certainty in our beliefs feeds political, religious, and cultural conflicts at every turn. We even get into heated arguments with each other about things that don’t matter very much simply because other people don’t agree with the way we see things.

Even in the privacy of our own minds, our preoccupation with ourselves often feeds ongoing anxiety, stress, shame, or dissatisfaction. In fact, our ruminations about ourselves and our lives can create stress and unhappiness even when things are actually perfectly fine at the moment.

Of course, to live happily and effectively, we have to think about ourselves, but our self-thoughts are frequently obsessive and distressing. I'm the first to admit to being a victim.

I also readily acknowledge that I can't do a damn thing about other people and their perception of circumstances; so it behooves me to stop worrying about it. I have to get tough for my own good while I still can. Go out and sell something, anything. Be prepared to have the courage of convictions and to give direction regardless of perceived resistance...And to practice what I preach, take it or leave it.

If all else fails and I am not up to this one last challenge, I am perfectly capable of walking away as I always have. In the end that will no doubt be the answer anyway. I can almost see it coming.

I am what I am, and I'm getting quite used to it. Long gone is the impulsive desire to win popularity contests!

That said, bear with me folks as I continue to strive to make an impact through the one thing I have left -- the written word....And remember that you too can walk away if and when you feel the impulse.

God knows, I fully understand.

But it still worries me to think that I may have unknowingly had a negative impact on someone somewhere along the line. Or like that shirt or pair of socks all those years ago, I may have sold an unsatisfactory bill of goods.