ORDERING...!

My girl Lucy loves Tim Horton's. Here she is ordering "two medium coffees with cream and one plain Tim Bit from the drive-thru menu. Guess who gets the Tim Bit!

"THERE'S A SUV IN YOUR LIVING ROOM"

My granddaughter Becky could not believe the text message she had just received: "Go home Becky. There's a black SUV in your living room! OMG.".
.

Becky and her sister Alyssa were house-sitting for their vacationing aunt and uncle in nearby Bolton when the startling words appeared on her cell phone. The sender of the message was a next door neighbour friend from Brampton and, no, it was not an April fool's joke -- there really was a vehicle sitting in the living room of the house she shares with her sister, mom and two cats.

.

The story is incredible. The impulse is to say "no way!"

.

According to an eye witness who just happened to be working on his car in a next-door driveway, he was startled to see the black late-model SUV pick up speed as it rolled in reverse out of a driveway across the street. As the errant vehicle jumped the curb on the opposite side of the street, the witness said he could see that the door on the driver's side was swinging open and that there was a young person behind the wheel and another in the passenger's seat.

.

With a split second to make a decision, the man jumped out of the way as the open door of the vehicle brushed past him. "My first impulse was to try to stop the car, but it was going too fast," he told a newspaper reporter at the scene.

.

The vehicle glanced off the garage side of the neighbour's house, changed direction slightly and crashed through the front of my daughter Debbie's house as shown in the Brampton Guardian photo above. Emerging from the demolition were two very frightened young girls, approximately 12-years-of-age and, fortunately, unhurt.

.

Information that was pieced together in subsequent investigation revealed that the girls were in the vehicle with the permission of the one's mother. Both mother and daughter were later charged by police.

.

The resultant interior and exterior damage to my daughter's house (actually owned by her sister Cindy and brother-in-law Joe) was extensive. City engineers determined that structural repairs could be made but the contents of the living room and dining room were totally destroyed -- a chesterfield, chairs, tables, cabinets and a television all wiped out. Shattered glass was embedded in everything, including the floors, walls and ceiling which insurance adjusters ordered stripped and replaced.

.

The front door of the house, which was not damaged in the crash, was nonetheless smashed in by police in their attempt to determine if anyone was hurt inside the home. (Debbie was at work in Richmond Hill at the time, so no one was home except the cats and they were okay.)

.

"What are the odds?" you say. A nightmare!...What a terrible story!

.

Well, the story does not end there.

.

Out of necessity, Debbie took time off work several days later to make herself available to adjusters and repair people. With some errands to run, she was in her car at one point when "bang!", there was the sickening crunch of metal on metal. Another car had collided with the vehicle on which she had spent hundreds of dollars in repairs earlier that week. Miraculously, no one was hurt.

.

Damage to both vehicles was extensive, however, and police were summoned. The driver of the other car, a young woman, sheepishly called the investigating police officer aside and admitted that she was driving her boy friend's car and that she did not have a valid driver's licence. Unbelievable! If that young woman ever does decide to conform to the law and get a driver's licence, good luck to her in applying for car insurance.

.

As the damage to Debbie's vehicle was being surveyed, a tow truck driver was heard to comment: "You think this is bad? You should see what happened to a house in Brampton the other day."

.

"Yeah, tell me about it...That was my house!" Debbie shouted. What are the odds?

.

Some days -- scratch that -- some weeks, it doesn't pay to get out of bed in the mornings. It can be a crazy world out there, especially in the Toronto area where not everyone behind the steering wheel of a car has a driver's licence.

.

In reminding her that things of this nature always seem to happen in three's, a sympathetic car mechanic friend offered Deb the words of comic strip character Elmer Fudd: "Be verwy, verwy careful!"

.

Amen to that. Poor Deb!

.

I'm afraid to answer the telephone anymore.

I LIKE BOLOGNA ON WHITE BREAD

Guess what I had for lunch today?...A nice fat bologna sandwich, that's what!
.
You health nuts out there will no doubt take me to task for such an unhealthy food choice, what with processed meat being so bad for you, blah, blah. "Tell me you didn't have it on white bread," would be another response I would fully expect.
.
"Of course I had it on white bread, with lots of butter too!" would be my honest and unashamed answer. I simply like bologna on white bread now and then, that's all there is to it.
.
And, no, the Devil didn't make me do it today either...Actually it was singer-songwriter Alan Jackson who tempted me with that lunch time idea.
.
That strange acknowledgement calls for an explanation. Right?
.
Well, just before lunch I was listening to my favorite country music radio station when good ole boy Alan's latest song hit came on. In typical down-home style, Alan gave forth with exactly my own outlook on life as it exists today and reinforced it with an appreciation for things we take for granted, like my bologna sandwiches.
.
I'll let Alan and his lyrics take it from here.
.

There's satellite communications

Long distance Internet relations

The world's a little faster every day

I know it's all well and good

And I don't embrace it like I should

But I wouldn't wanna go backward even if I could.

.

CHORUS

But I still like Bologna on white bread now and then

And the sound of a whippoorwill down a country road

The grass between my toes and the sunset sinking low

And a good woman's love to hold me close --

I like my 50-inch HD Plasma.

.

Feels like they just reach out and grab

500 channels at my command

I finally gave in and got a cell phone

That I hardly ever seem to turn on

I guess I never have that much to say.

(Chorus)

I got a laptop that sits on a desk

I don't use it much except to check

Some ole car from yesterday I kinda like

That music thang, you just download 'em

And you can save about every song

That's ever been made.

(Chorus)

Well I guess what I've been trying to say

This digital world is really okay

It makes life better in a lot of ways

But it can't make the smell of spring

Or sunshine or lots of little things

We take for granted every day.

(Chorus)

Yeah, Bologna

A woman's love

And a good cell phone.

.

Thanks for that Alan. I couldn't have writ it nor sung it any better! I relate totally...You stimulated my appetite and for that you deserve a "Blue Ribbon" -- no bologna!

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO HAPPY MAIL?

.
I was talking to a fellow in the post office the other day. We were both grumbling about the increasing number of bills that we receive and the fact that we just don't seem to get "happy" mail anymore.

People used to send out friendly greetings and letters and yes, we even got cheques in the mail. For crying out loud, I remember receiving pay cheques in the mail at one time and what a joy it was to open that envelope a couple of times a month. Pensioners, too, used to line up at the wickets at the end of each month to receive their regular government cheques. The post master was the most popular person in town on those days. Sadly, the inception of the direct deposit system at our banks has put an end to that kind of "happy" mail experience. Likewise, the Internet and email has changed the way we communicate with family and friends.

Now all we get in the mail are bills for hydro, heating, TV cable, credit card payments and municipal property taxes, to name but a few of the irritating reminders of our indebtedness for the necessities of life today. Then there are the flyers and direct advertising pieces in different forms that jams our mail boxes on a regular basis. I am convinced that the only person in the world that does not feel a degree of annoyance over the bulk advertising that we are exposed to these days, is my wife Rosanne. I swear, she never saw a flyer, a catalogue or any piece of advertising that she did not like.

Rosanne is the same with bills...She actually pays them before the due dates and is quite upset when she does not receive them in the mail well in advance. I have heard her actually squeal with glee when opening a long-awaited bill. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

As for me, I'd never go to the post office again if I didn't have to pick up bills and advertising flyers for Rosanne.