TENDER LOVING CARE: A FORMULA FOR SUCCESS

An elementary school teacher tells of the morning she met a neighbor in the laundry room of their apartment building. “How’s your 10-year-old daughter doing in school?” she asked. “Well,” he said, “let’s put it this way: I was helping her with her homework last night when she looked up at me and said, ‘Dad, you’re almost as smart as a mom.'”

Indeed! Perhaps more important for that daughter is something that was again confirmed in a recent, well-regarded scientific study: All around the world, women are better empathizers than men. And no matter where they live in the world, no matter what their cultural or family influences, moms score high marks in this area of life. And we all know empathy is crucial for any parent who wants to provide tender, loving care for their children.

Many years ago, at the University of Wisconsin, there was an undergraduate literary club — a group of brilliant male students who had demonstrated considerable writing talent. They met regularly, and at each meeting, one of the members would read aloud a story or an essay he had written and then submit it to the criticism of the others.

When the criticism got underway, no punches were pulled. The group held nothing back. The material was mercilessly dissected, almost line by line. So brutal were the sessions that the members called themselves “The Stranglers.” 

Not long after, a similar club was formed. It was called “The Wranglers,” and its membership consisted of female undergraduates who had demonstrated considerable literary talent. They, too, read their manuscripts aloud at their meetings and then submitted them to the other members’ critiques. But there was a significant difference in the criticism. It was exceedingly gentle and sensitive. In fact, there was almost none. 

The Wranglers tried to find kind things to say. They spoke in tender, positive rather than negative terms. The key attitude was one of encouragement, even for the feeblest efforts.

About 20 years after “The Stranglers” and "The Wranglers” had been born, a university alumnus analyzed the members’ careers. She discovered that not one of the bright, young male talents in “The Stranglers” group had achieved a literary reputation of any kind. On the other hand, “The Wranglers” had produced half a dozen prominent, successful writers. 

The essential talent in the two groups had initially been much the same. The Wranglers uplifted and encouraged others to believe in themselves, esteem themselves highly, and aspire to their true worth. But the Stranglers did the opposite, promoting self-doubt, self-discouragement, and low self-esteem. 

It seems that in choosing a name for themselves, “The Stranglers” had been wiser than they realized.