Marc Lesser, a Zen master who brought emotional intelligence training to Google, says we can actually learn a lot about dealing with difficult people by simply being still and looking inward.
"An important and fundamental distinction to make is between 'difficult people' and behaviors or actions that we find difficult," Lesser says in an upcoming book.
While there are evolutionary benefits to that practice in terms of avoiding danger, in today's world, it simply doesn't work. Why? Because, he explains, "We tend to judge others by the impact their actions have on us. We judge ourselves by our intentions."
The key to dealing with "difficult people," Lesser adds, is compassionate accountability. How do we do that? "Be curious, not furious."
Sounds good on paper, right!
All worthy of serious consideration...and a searching look within ourselves.
The main message of Compassionate Accountability is that the struggle is real, the struggle isn’t going away, and that by changing HOW we struggle, we can change the world inside us and around us. There are three ways to struggle with others toward something better. Openness to one’s own and others’ feelings, needs, and wants, all of which validates emotions without commiserating or discounting.
Resourcefulness around problem-solving curiously explores possibilities without taking over responsibility for the solution...
Persistence around commitments, goals and boundaries without threats, ultimatums, or implicit expectations.
Compassion without accountability gets you nowhere. Accountability without compassion gets you alienated. We'd be wise to think about that!
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