It seems that a friend had invited Dr. Michelle to a “Bucket List” party, where she encouraged the participants to have a no-limits chance to dream about their deepest heart’s desires. Encouraged to write down 10 things that would make this the best year ever if they came true, some jotted down travels, still others allowed their hopes for creative pursuits to flourish, and others desired a return to a more simplified life.
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| Dr. Michelle Bengtson |
Michelle said her list initially included items like enjoying the company of her children without the nag of work in in her ear, and the opportunity for more speaking engagements to share help and hope from personal and professional experience.
The hostess then selectively called on those gathered one by one, to share their most heart-felt item from their list. Michelle was not immediately asked to share, and she was content with that -- being surrounded by beautifully put-together women who she just met, she was not too sure how her list might be received.
She explains how as one gal shared of her desire to remodel her condominium, to create a beautiful space around her, she felt a prompting. “What you want is beautiful too – Go ahead and write it” was what she sensed welling up in her. Yet before she could even process it, her thoughts retorted, “They will all think you are so shallow.”
“There’s nothing wrong with the desire of your heart except that you’ve given up on it” was what I “heard” as I stared at my paper," is how she put it.
She had given up on it…so much so that it didn’t even register in her mind as a consideration for her list. She said that it was as if she began to believe "if God wanted my desires fulfilled, surely He would have provided it already." But was that the truth or another sneaky lie of the enemy? It sounded vaguely familiar: “Surely God did not tell you to not eat of the fruit…”
A tear threatened to wreak havoc on her makeup as it escaped and ran down her cheek. Quick to wipe it away so no one would notice, she stared at the list with her heart beginning to beat faster. There would be no forgetting it now, as the pain of unfulfilled desires lodged a knot in her throat.
"Writing it down allowed me to give that longing the respect and acknowledgement it deserved, even if no one else ever knew," she recalled.
“Michelle, what’s #2 on your list?” her host friend asked with expectant eyes, as the single tear turned into a quiet cascade running down her cheeks.
Barely above a whisper, she made her heart’s desire known to the group of onlookers: “Beautiful Shoes.”
None of them understood, so it begged for explanation:
Clearing the lump in her throat, she let it all out. "Stricken with an undiagnosable illness when I was three left me with deformities of my leg and foot. While one leg and foot are completely normal and a woman’s size 6 shoe, the other foot looks like the feet of Asian women whose feet have been bound to stay small, and fits a small girl’s size 12-13. Left without any movement of my ankle or toes, I cannot wear beautiful high heels or fun flip-flops."
"I’ve never found it fun to shoe-shop, and because of incredible difficulty finding shoes to fit both feet, we refer to it as shoe hunting. Over the years I luckily found several mismatched pairs to wear, but surgery in recent years changed the structure of that foot, and left me without (proper dress shoes)."
Having now just exposed not only her most heart-felt desire, but also her greatest flaw and biggest insecurity, she glanced through her tears at this group of women listening to her. They didn’t laugh or stare or gawk. They instead prayed and confirmed they wanted "beautiful shoes" for her too.
Michelle's heart quickened again as one shared with her a verse the Lord laid on her heart at that moment:
“How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news,
who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, ‘Your God reigns'!” ~~ Isaiah 52:7 NIV
"The Lord had given me that same verse through the encouraging words of another friend right after my surgery when my heart felt broken and despairing. One day I will wear beautiful shoes!" Michelle confided.
As she listened to the others share from their innermost desires, a couple things were clear:
-- We all have insecurities and the enemy uses those insecurities to keep us focused on ourselves and to keep us from fully embracing God’s call on our lives.
-- At our deepest core, we all long to be loved and accepted.
-- When we stop dreaming, we stop hoping.
A perfect ending to a perfectly inspiring story from the beautiful and desiring heart of Michelle Bengtson. Makes you want to hug her...but I never will.
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