Long ago I learned to accept that from birth I have been a living-breathing misfit of sorts. A square peg never fitting into life's round holes, as hard as I may have tried to twist, turn and force with awkward contorts.
In the aftermath of rejection and dismissal I have learned, however, to be fit enough for myself. To be able, as the days go by, to always look myself straight in the eye. Taking ownership of traits and foibles reaching well up to the sky.
In truth, while unavoidable at times, I never wanted to stand with the setting sun and hate myself for the things I'd done.
Or to think negatively of the odd impulse to round off those (square) edges of birth, resulting in lesser versions of me struggling to fit in where there was little worth.
Still sadly, all too often for my sake, I'm reminded of the times when my perceived best was not good enough, leaving me paddling helplessly against an imposing wake.
I've not wanted to keep on a closet shelf a lot of the secrets about myself, likewise avoiding involvement in sham. To this day wanting to go out with my head held erect, deserving of others' respect for the person I really am.
I can never hide myself and from me; I see what others may never see; I know what others may never know...but at no time can I fool the kind of guy I've come to be.
So now, in your Grace dear God, allow me finally one elusive fit. That of belonging in what's left of this round hole I recognize as life itself and it's every bit.
O how wonderful it would be to experience just once the inside engagement of communion as a whole instead of so often viewing it from the limitations of an outside knothole.
I readily acknowledge that mine is simply to do or die; still in the process it gets rather heavy carrying it all in the baggage of one me, myself and I.
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